Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
