Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
