My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
