Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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