I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
