You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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