My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
