my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Your tits are I can't wait for
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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