Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
