When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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