im having a threesome with these popsicles
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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