That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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