We're like a lot better than the average bears
we have pet lesbian snakes
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
