how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
