make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
