the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
