I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
