She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She announced her abortion via fbk
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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