Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize