dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
