My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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