I want to make a zoo with you.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
