Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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