Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
