you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize