I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
