So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
