Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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