I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
