now i know why i became what i already was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
