i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
