Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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