I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
