Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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