took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i would punch a child for taco bell
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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