how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
