wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
