like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize