[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
