she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
