I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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