foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
