I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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