He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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