Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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