You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
