You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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