i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
