lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
