Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
