I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
