I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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