I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
