i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
