I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
